April 2011

7 months ago, our daughter was born on the other side of the world.  This is my journal entry from that day...

Lord, there's so much on my heart.  The roller coaster ride of MOWA's processing times continues, and it's hard.  It's hard to understand why, it's hard to know what to believe, and it's hard to face an especially uncertain future.  And I'm so tempted to throw myself even more into things that distract me - cake decorating, sewing, projects around the house - whatever it takes to make the time go quickly so I'm not so acutely aware of every day that passes that our baby isn't home.  But Lord, Your Holy Spirit reminds me that distractions won't give me peace - only You can truly give me peace.  And so I run to You, Lord.  I run to You asking that You would help me to accept every second of Your will as being for my good and Your glory.  Lord, I don't need to understand why this is happening, I just need renewed trust that You're here, and You're working, and that this is part of Your re-defining what motherhood looks like for me.  And that's the hard part:  I want to know right now what that's going to look like so I can plan.  But I hear what You're saying, Lord.  You're asking me to daily put my trust in You.  Lord, my heart is fighting it today.  I confess my unbelief, and my self-sufficiency and my lack of trust.  I confess my idolatry of a certain way of life.  Lord, continue to reveal to me my sin, but of these that I have confessed, help me repent.  Help me turn from them and RUN to You.

Lord, I am more and more bothered by my weight, what I am eating and my lack of exercise.  And yesterday it occurred to me that I may have more of a food addiction that I've ever wanted to admit.  But when I try to think through it, my mind gets cloudy and the thoughts vanish.  I pray, Lord, that those thoughts wouldn't be quickly snatched away, but You would help me struggle through them.  Lord, if/where I have developed a dependence on food and/or laziness, I pray that You would reveal that to me.  Please, Lord, show me what I've turned a blind eye to.  I don't want to be consumed by diet and exercise, but I do want to be consumed with pursuing You over everything else - whether food or motherhood. 

Lord, I'm thankful for the situations in my life that cause me to run to You.  "For when I am weak, then I am strong."

Update: The Lord was gracious to begin to pull me out of my dependence on food and laziness.  As of today, I have lost 25 pounds...  and I have a daughter.  Bottom line:  life can be hard sometimes (or even all the time), but God is faithful to carry you through if You'll let Him.  And His timing is so, so perfect.